Thursday, November 15, 2007

Lost pages from the Hillary script

Now that the control freaks in the Hillary Clinton campaign have been busted for planting questions at the candidate's "town hall" meetings, and have vowed to never ever do it again, perhaps a new era of spontaneity is at hand. If the Hillary people really do junk their scripts, here are the YouTube moments that you'll probably never get to see:

1. "I'm honored that you are calling on me, Senator Clinton, and picking me out of the crowd at random. My question is about your husband, who was such a wonderful president and inspiration to so many Americans. Some members of the vast right-wing conspiracy seem to insist that he has flaws - and that even you do, as well. (Spontaneous laughter.) Do you think that these conspirators are willfully delusional, or simply motivated by their envy of your demonstrable success, ever since your middle-class childhood, in working your heart out for middle-class Americans at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue?"

2. "Yes, hi, and welcome to our community. I want to ask about your 2002 vote on Iraq, when you specifically authorized President Bush to pursue a course of peace rather than war. Some of your pile-on male Democratic rivals claim that you did something 'political,' like maybe you were just thinking of some future election. As if. Isn't it true that your decision to vote Yes was actually a laudable profile in courage, the product of countless hours of wise reflection, and a testament to your seasoned leadership and experience at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue?"

3. "OhmyGod, like, thanks so much for letting me ask you something. Some media pile-on-ers, and I won't mention Tim Russert by name, seem to believe that your husband's decision to safeguard your First Lady papers, and keep them away from the public 'til after the election, is, like, a bad thing or something, like we might actually care what's in them. Like, aren't these pile-on-ers mostly men who would rather sit around watching football and Fox News instead of standing up and fighting each and every day for Americans who work hard and play by the rules?"

4. "Yes, oh wow, this is great, thanks for calling on me. As a woman, I am heartened by your courageous insistence that there's no need to talk in specifics about the future of the Social Security program. Thank you for using your experience at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue to come up with the idea of forming a brand-new bipartisan commission to study the issue further. One of my gym friends this morning - she was on the Stairmaster right next to me - she said, 'Hey, how about that wonderful bipartisan commission idea?' So I know it's catching on. My question is, aren't your Democratic rivals, by clinging to their specific reform proposals, and by refusing to see the wisdom of bipartisan commissions, demonstrating that their cognitive skills are sorely limited by their male gender?"

5. "First of all, Hillary, thank you for giving us hope again. I say that because of the inspiring way you have handled the issue of giving drivers licenses to illegal immigrants. How rare it is to find a candidate who can be so consistent - seemingly saying yes to the concept one week, then seemingly saying no to the concept another week, but, in truth, demonstrating the kind of brilliant intellectual flexibility that we have yearned for these past seven years. So my question is about the people out there who claim you're a calculating flip-flopper. Besides the fact they never worked at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue, why is it true that they all have the same morals as the Swift Boaters?"

6. "I do have a question for you, Mrs. Clinton, but since I can't seem to remember it, I'll have to read it to you. I forgot my glasses this morning, so please bear with me. It says right here: 'Dear senior citizen. When the senator begins to turn in your direction, raise right hand precisely six inches above right shoulder. Keep hand vertical, at 90-degree angle to the ceiling, fingers close together, do not bend wrist, nod head once, keep face in friendly mode' -- WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU FELLOWS TAKING ME? LET ME GO, I STILL HAVE A QUESTION FOR MRS. CLINTON, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE THAT......."